Making it matter
by AnCa
Summary: Just a story based around and leading up to Emma's death. Who really believed such a powerful mutant could die so easily?
1. Breaking

Disclaimer- I don't own Mutant X or any of it's characters, I just have fun with them.

Authors note- This is a work in progress to try and explain how Emma could die so...undramatically in 'Into a moonless night'. Slight spoilers for that episode and a few around the end of season two. Reviews make me type faster!

"Emma?"

Taking a deep breath, Emma slowly eased her way back into reality, her eyes stopped merely seeing the room and actually began to recognise it and inform her brain of her location. She'd been meditating more and more recently, trying to keep a tight grip on her powerful, but wayward mind. It was like trying to build a dam against a ever rising river, only to find another river flooding from the other side. It was getting harder and harder to block out even the mildest emotions projected by her team-mates. The general public she could block out…usually. But she knew her friends so well it was almost impossible to be near them and not have half an eye on their thoughts, like trying to look at a picture and see only the canvas.

Settling her thoughts back into the physical world, she turned to the door, knowing instinctively who was there already. "Come in."

Surely enough, her friend, her mentor, and so long ago now, her saviour entered the room. Adam always walked as though he was worried the ground might fall in if he trod too heavily. Of course for him, the world had collapsed from under him several times already. He was always expecting it to slip away again.

And judging by the state he was in, it was facing imminent catastrophe again. His mind was like a some cornered animal, he was fighting with himself to even walk in here. Not that anyone else would have been able to tell. He looked perhaps a little weary, but his emotions were reigned in tightly beneath that calm, 'bedside manner' exterior. She could well imagine him as the doctor he had been, delivering good and bad news with the same gentle manner he always used.

And this time the news was very, very bad.

He sat down next to her, his eyes filled with compassion. He looked as though about to speak, then shaking his head, stood again suddenly and turned away from her, staring into empty space.

"Adam?" she stood, trying to get his attention, something was very wrong. "Adam, what's happened? Are the others okay?" he didn't answer, his expression and mind lost somewhere in despair. "Adam!"

He seemed to shake himself, if not out of despair, at least into a more coherent state. "Emma…" her name had never been spoken so sadly before. Nor accompanied by such strong feelings of loss and love. Adam was in almost every way a father to her, and she knew he regarded her as is daughter, like he thought of them all as his children, though for her and Jesse, he had always been more protective than of Shalimar and Brennan. But in recent months, as they'd proved countless times they could look after themselves, those desires to protect them had ebbed.

And now something had brought them back in full force. Adam wanted to save her from something, and it took every ounce of self control to prevent herself simply delving into his mind and uncovering the truth for herself.

"Oh God, Emma…" Adam sat down again abruptly, tapping the bed, "We need to talk."

He wanted to talk. Good. Maybe he'd finally tell her what was going on before she went completely insane. She sat down next to him, forcing herself to calm down outwardly at least. "Adam, please. What's wrong?"

When he still hesitated "Please just tell me!"

He held up a hand to quiet her, some luck "Okay, just…give me a minute."

A pause, the seconds digging into her like knives.

"Do you remember," his words measured out carefully, "why Gabriel Ashlocke died?"

Ashlocke? Oh no…

"He's back?" Wow she sounded calm. Her voice was apparently not in communication with her brain right now. "How?"

But Adam was shaking his head, almost reassuringly, "No, even Gabriel couldn't resurrect himself after his whole genetic structure destabilised."

"Then what..?" her question left unfinished, but they both knew what she was asking.

Adam looked away, staring at the wall. Here it comes.

"A long time ago I realised that the New Mutant Genome was inherently unstable. Nature designed us the way it did for a reason," that wry almost-smile, so far from an expression of joy. He wearily drew a hand across his brow and looked up at her, "the human genetic structure wasn't supposed to be meddled with Emma, Genomex was too rash, _we_ were too rash. New Mutants, they just weren't meant to be." He put his head into his hands, staring at the floor. His despair choking her in its intensity.

"Adam, what are you saying?" she wanted to run away. But a deep cold dread, from her or Adam she wasn't even sure anymore, paralysed her. Adam met her gaze, desolate and deeply sad.

"What I'm saying is, all New Mutants, are facing the same thing Ashlocke did, not on such a grand scale perhaps, not as rapid, but humans weren't meant to change the very building blocks of life. Our genetic framework just can't cope with it." His voice was infinity gentle, like speaking to someone bereaved, "and the more powerful the Mutant, the more rapid the decline. The faster their genetic structure breaks down."

And finally, finally she understood.

"I was able to calculate very precisely how long you all had, I could refine it with each scan." Adam seemed very far away, even his devastating grief could not touch her.

"How long do I have?" Was that her voice? She sounded so young, but she felt ancient, as though she had lived for centuries. Adam was handing her someone, a piece of paper, she looked down. A chuckle escaped her, she shook her head lightly, "thirty-two days." Adam was watching her intently, waiting for her to break down, or maybe to hit him. That was more Shal's style. For herself, emotion numbed her, allowed her no such easy release. Nodding jerkily, "That's not so bad, I was thinking maybe twenty-four hours, but I guess that was would be a little melodramatic." Not allowing herself to hope, she shot at him, "I don't suppose there's any way to fix this?" Already Adam was shaking his head,

"Ever since I realised what would happen I've been trying to find a way, and I'll keep looking, but to find it within a month?" He sighed, "Almost impossible at best." A pause, "And there's something else you should know."

Suddenly desperate for him to leave, "that isn't enough bad news for one day?" Another of his hopeless, and more frightening, helpless glances. "I'm afraid not."

A thought came to her, "Shal, Jesse, Brennan?"

"They have a while yet."

"How long?"  
"Emma…"

"How long?"

Meeting her gaze, she wasn't sure if her mental powers inadvertently forced him, or the fact she was dying provoked him to do it, but he took the paper from her and scribbled down a few dates. She took it back and almost idly scanned the contents.

"Jesse's next then?" It was hard to imagine. "Shal and Brennan will take it hard. Still…", checking the paper again, "they won't have too long to wait will they? I don't think Shalimar will like being the last one standing. " She shut her eyes, "I'm almost glad I'll be first."

"Emma." His voice was almost pleading, of course, he'd have to watch them all die. His grief was like a flood, drowning her, she couldn't cope with his despair too. "What else was there Adam?" She knew she was being cold, but she urgently needed him to be gone, so she could wallow alone in her misery. Adam too wanted to leave she knew, but his sense of duty…and friendship made him stay.

"You'll remember when Ashlocke died, the destabilising of his genetic structure produced a pretty powerful burst of energy." Of course she remembered, she'd seen the hole in the roof. Cutting a hole through a mountain was a pretty big feat even for the all-powerful Patient Zero. "Well according to my tests, your…death," the word was hard for him to even say, "will produce what I can only describe as a wave of mental distortion." He paused, he hated himself for saying this, and yet she knew he was making himself continue. "It'll effectively render anyone within fifteen square miles unconscious for a while. And anyone…" He paused, he was visibly thinking how to break it to her, "The minds you're most used to connecting with, those you're most familiar with, the energy burst will be directed straight at them, lethally. Not purposely." He continued, seeing her shocked expression perhaps, "But instinctively as you have a connection with them…with us, it'll be as automatic as a drowning person grabbing at their rescuer." His voice softened, "It isn't your fault Emma."

She couldn't deal with this. "Why Adam? Gabriel was far more powerful than me, and his death just made a hole in the roof. Why am I the one who'll kill my friends and cause mass chaos? WHY?"

She was hardly aware she was shouting, she didn't care. It didn't matter Adam was doing his best by her by telling her, didn't matter that without her mutations she'd have died before she was a year old, all that mattered was that she was going to die, and worse, take her friends with her. She collapsed onto the bed suddenly, sobbing helplessly into her pillow. Adam was stroking her hair, trying to comfort her. His mind was a mass of pity and wretched sadness. He wasn't concerned with his own death, he was just regretting hers, regretting the work he did that had caused her, and others, so much pain.

For once it wasn't so important to close her mind off to everyone else. She let his sadness wash over her, somehow making her own seem to diminish. Just for a little while, it was alright to be the scared girl she had been before Adam found her. Just a human being lost in the vastness of the world about her.

* * *

To be continued...(review!) 


	2. Hiding

Emma sat on the Dojo steps, staring into the darkness. She'd spent a lot of time in the past two weeks just sitting, watching. The almost uncontrollable panic she had first felt upon hearing Adam's 'prognosis' had subsided. She submitted without protest to the countless tests he wanted to run, not just to try futilely to save her, but to diminish the fatal consequences of her death. She knew he had little hope in the former, but she wished-prayed with every fibre of her being he could save himself and the others. She couldn't bear the idea they'd die because of her.

She'd broached the idea of her leaving, finding some remote place where she wouldn't hurt anyone, but Adam had refused to even consider it. He said with the kind of power she had, distance wouldn't make a lot of difference, and did she really think he, _they_ would even contemplate letting her face this alone? She appreciated that, she really did. But if there was any way she could prevent it, they wouldn't die for her, because of, and with her.

They didn't know of course. Adam had wanted to tell them, but she stopped him. Let them have a while longer before she burdened them with this. It wasn't a purely selfless decision. The closer she got to the day appointed, the more highly tuned her powers became. She could barely cope with the day to day fluctuations of their emotions, not to mention Adam's constant grief. Adding more pain to the mix could drive her insane.

Adam thought it would be a comfort to have them to help her through this, maybe he was right. But their support couldn't change the outcome, and she knew exactly how they'd react to the news.

Shal wouldn't accept it, it wasn't her nature. She'd try and force her to fight it till the very end, however hopeless it was. She'd watch Emma die telling herself it was all her fault, that she could have done something, before she died herself. Shalimar was never a true believer in science, she needed proof in the physical world, needed something she could fight. The helplessness to do anything but wait for her friend to die would hit her hard.

Brennan wouldn't know how to react, he was like Shal, a fighter. Her acceptance, and she had finally accepted it, would confuse him. Of course he'd cover up his pain with anger, against himself, against Adam, even against herself for giving in. But his temper would burn itself out, then he'd have to face his grief, and that of the others.

Jesse, oh God Jesse, he'd be the hardest to comfort. Unlike Shal and Brennan he would believe her, but he wouldn't know how to begin to deal with it. He'd stare at her with that dazed hurt expression that reminded her of a kicked puppy, and then he'd turn all of his efforts to comfort her, while he sank deeper and deeper into despair. How could she do that to him? To any of them?

Let them spend what could be their final days in blissful ignorance, she wished she could.

"Hey, what are you doing up?" Brennan was there, she hadn't even heard him approach. "You made me jump, sitting around in the dark like that. Lights!" Sanctuary lit up obediently.

She smiled at him, "Getting nervous in your old age?" He snorted,

"Yeah right." He sat beside her, in that comfortable silence of old friends.

"So where are you off to at this time of night?" she asked finally, he was fully dressed, obviously not intending to turn in any time soon. He reddened slightly,

"Just, you know, going for a drive." he jangled the keys in his hand, grinning in that goofy but wonderfully cheerful way only Brennan could. She was going to miss all this so much.

"Meeting up with a lady-friend I suppose?" she teased, the smile on her face only slightly forced. He grinned again, "If I'm lucky." They settled back into silence, he apparently wasn't in a hurry to leave.

"So, you still haven't told me what you're doing up?" Trust Brennan to notice when someone avoided a question. He was a lot more shrewd than he was given credit for. She flashed a smile at him again, willing him to believe her, "Just couldn't sleep, too much to think about I guess."

"Like what?" This was going to be harder than she thought. When did Brennan suddenly become so chatty?

"Just, you know, things." He raised his eyebrows,

"Like?"

She'd have to give him something, or they'd be there all night. She should have been expecting this, she had been avoiding them all for the past couple of weeks, afraid her worries would somehow transmit themselves to her friends. She'd known it was silly, but she felt their anxieties and fears so intently, it was hard to imagine they couldn't feel hers. Inspiration struck her,

"Do you ever worry about…your powers?" she said carefully, keeping her tone even, Brennan frowned,

"What do you mean?"

"Like, do you ever worry sometimes you're getting too powerful? Maybe even out of control?" His expression cleared, she could feel his confusion dissipate,

"Emma, is this about what happened with that other pysonic? The reality twisting one?"

Of course, that hadn't been too long ago, maybe a week before she got the…news. It had been another example of her powers changing. She'd shattered his mind with barely an effort. At the time it had felt like justice, now it frightened her. But it was something she could talk about. She turned to him, meeting his concerned gaze, "A little."

"Emma, he totally deserved it, he was driving people insane for the fun of it." He truly believed what he was saying, comfort radiating from him like sunlight. "You shouldn't worry about it."

She nodded slightly, "I guess I'm more worried about I'm losing control, that I could hurt someone one day," she shuddered inwardly, "maybe even one of you guys."

"Hey," her team-mate wrapped his arm round her in an unusual show of affection for Brennan. "That'll never happen. You'd never let it." His faith in her was so strong it hurt. She blinked back tears,  
"But if it did," she paused, bit her lip, "if I lost control, hurt one of you…" she swallowed and made herself look at him. "Would you forgive me?"

A question was forming in his head, she could tell. But whether he decided it would be useless to ask, or just sensed how important this was to her he never asked it, just squeezed her shoulder once more and stood up, "Always."

She closed her eyes briefly, and looked up again to meet his eyes in a smile. He gazed back, his expression unreadable even to her, "We done?" She nodded,

"I think I can sleep now." And it was true. She had known somewhere at the back of her mind her friends would never blame her for what was happening. But somehow, having Brennan say it aloud had brought it home to her. And reminded her, that for however short her time with them had been, she was truly lucky to have had her team. Brennan nodded again, puzzled but satisfied to let the matter drop, for now.

"Good, then I my friend, have a man to see about a car." He grinned, and smiling back, she watched him walk out of the hall.

Thanks to her friend, her demons might leave her alone tonight at least.


	3. Talking

"Come on Emma! Keep up!"

Shalimar's bright voice echoed down to her from higher up the mountain. It was a beautiful day, the sky a vivid blue and the sun an orb of blazing white catching even the darkest corners in its glorious illumination. Everything shone with a radiant aura and a fresh breeze coursed like a stream over the mountains.

In short, it was a perfect day to be out walking.

Emma shot a smile at her friend, "Not all of us have that feral stamina remember!" Shalimar raised her eyebrows and smirked. "And some of us need more exercise!" Emma gave a gasp of fake horror,

"I do not!"

"Face it Emma, you may work out mentally more than most, but when it comes getting physical you're a little…" Shalimar paused, her eyes sparkling, "scrawny".

Widening her eyes, Emma formed with a thought, a sparkling ball of energy in front of her forehead. Smiling slightly she challenged, "Come down here and say that."

Looking down on her, Shal grinned before performing a perfect flip over the side of the ledge she was standing on to land neatly in front of Emma. Her irises contracted with a feral glow as she asked playfully, "Think you can take me?" Emma tried to maintain a serious expression, the star of mental energy she would never use against her friend glimmered and sparkled in front of her, "Sure, everyone knows ferals are easy if you think first."

Shalimar shifted her stance ever so slightly, her eyes gleamed with mischief, "And everyone knows psychotics can't do anything _but_ think."

Emma narrowed her eyes in fake seriousness, "Bimbo"

"Baby"

"Brute"

"Barbie"

"Blonde" Shalimar shook her head,

"Below the belt there Emma." Suddenly her friend dived at her and she was flat on her back, Shal standing over her with a broad smile and an outstretched hand, "Still think you can take me?"

Emma took the offered hand and pulled herself up wincing ruefully, "Anytime."

Shalimar smirked slightly before good-humouredly squeezing her shoulder, "Well scrawny or not, if we don't get a move on we won't reach the top today." She smiled and Emma returned the expression, gesturing with one hand. "After you."

Watching her friend scamper up the mountainside (there could be no other term), Emma was caught in a wave of sadness. The truth was, she'd suggested this outing to Shalimar today as a way of saying goodbye. No, she had no intention of telling her about….what was going to happen. But she needed some peace of mind as to their friendship. She needed to know Shal would be okay, if-no _when_ she survived Emma's death.

Her talk with Brennan had reassured her on his account. She knew he cared about her, that he would grieve for her, but at the same time, he would be alright. Now she just had to settle things with the others before the day arrived when...

Okay, so maybe she wasn't ready yet. She knew she was going to die, at least she did logically. But being out here, having such a heart-warmingly _normal_ time with her friend, she felt like she'd live forever. It was like being a kid again, she could hear all about death and how inevitable it was for her, but something in her mind, maybe a part of that stubborn human survival instinct, refused to grasp the concept. And somehow, she couldn't be sorry for that.

"Hello! Emma! You coming?" Shal had got ahead again unsurprisingly. Smiling, Emma started to climb up after her. Shal paused briefly, allowing her to catch up somewhat before she all but flew off again. A feral in her natural environment, Emma allowed herself a hidden smile at her own choice of words. The pure delight radiating from Shalimar was refreshing, like being with a child at Christmas. The joy was contagious, and Shal was practically glowing with it. She relaxed her mental barriers for once, let her mind become a little more receptive and just enjoyed this rare moment with her friend.

About an hour later they'd reached the top. Shal was lying along the edge of the cliff-face, one arm hanging off and staring down into the valley miles and mile below. Emma relaxed in her customary lotus pose, not meditating as much as just enjoying the peace and quiet. The breeze twisted and curled about them, strangely still quite light, just strong enough to be revitalizing. They sat there for a while, saying nothing, each lost in her own thoughts. Finally Shalimar sat up, Emma felt her stare rather than saw it.

"Emma…"

She opened her eyes and met her friend's gaze, "Yes Shal?"

"What's going on?" Emma frowned slightly,

"What do you mean?"

"This…" Shalimar gestured about her, "Why did you suddenly want to come up here today?"

"Is it wrong to want to spend time with my friends?"

"No…" Shal bit her lip, she was worried? "But for the last few weeks you've been avoiding us all, it's been hard to even carry on a conversation lasting more than a few minutes. And then out of the blue you want to take a hike up a mountain? It just strikes me as odd I guess."

Emma considered, Shal was right. The truth was she'd felt so guilty being around them all, thinking of how their lives could be ruined, because of her. "Maybe I needed to work through some stuff."

"Stuff?"

It was like talking to Brennan, but Shalimar knew her too well. It would be hard to put her off. Maybe she didn't need to, there were so many things she needed to settle before she…died. So much to do and say, and work out. Shalimar was the best friend she'd ever had, if anyone could help ease her mind, she could.

Emma nodded, turning to face her, "So much has happened in the last couple of years, I guess it's all caught up to me." No lie, she'd thought about so much over the last few weeks it made her head spin. And now, with ten days to go before she never did anything again, she felt she needed to reconcile herself with her life.

"Want to talk about it?" Emma smiled, blinking back tears, and said simply,

"Yes."

And so she talked. She talked about her family and how she missed them sometimes. About her new family and how she worried about them and with them and for them. She talked about her powers, how she couldn't do without them, but wasn't sure how to live with them. She talked about Tyler, her soul mate who she still loved and would always love. She talked about those they'd saved, and cried for those they hadn't. She talked about those who were dead for her and to her and because of her. About the blood on her hands and the guilt on her soul. She talked about her loves and losses and longings, her dearest dreams and darkest dreads. She talked until the sun had long gone and they really should have left hours ago.

And all the time Shalimar stayed with her, content just to listen, not interrupting or judging, not condemning or condoning, offering no absolution and giving criticism. Just listening and letting her talk. And when she was done, Shal wasn't angry, or confused or disappointed. She just reached out, and stroking Emma's hair said softly, "Are you ready to go home now?"

And she was ready at last.


	4. Playing

Jesse and Adam sat caught up in their game. For Adam it was little more than a diversion, chess was a game to him, nothing more. Jesse was regarding it more as a battle of wills. Poor Jesse, his nature refused to conform to the boundaries of logic, usually not a problem with all the work they did 'outside the box'. But in chess, it made him an easy opponent.

Emma smiled from the dojo steps where she was watching. Adam had acknowledged her presence with a quick glance and nod. Not to mention the flare of sorrow she always felt from him now. Jesse however was so involved in the match he hadn't even noticed her yet. His concentration was constant, he didn't know how to take anything lightly, especially people. She supposed she shared that with him. Her empathic abilities mean that from first meeting someone she was helplessly bound to their thoughts and feelings. Jesse simply felt everything so much more intensely than most people. It was as if impulse and emotion in him was magnified, making him capable of great love and friendship, but causing him so, oh so much pain when he lost these. Most people had a protective barrier like water over a sandy floor which served to soften and diffuse strong emotions, lessening pain. Jesse had never built a barrier like that. Everything struck him so deeply, so strongly, that it shocked her he could carry on trusting, carry on caring, when he'd been through so much pain, so much suffering.

Sometimes she wondered how he could go on.

"Checkmate." Adam's amused voice cut into her reverie. Adam never gloated, but he often seem entertained at how seriously Jesse, and indeed all of them took these games, these half-hearted attempts to beat the silently acknowledged mastermind. Adam stood and walking out called back, "Next time Jesse, try and protect yourself, a reckless offensive will only work against you." Jesse shook his head, staring at the chessboard as Adam left, giving Emma on the slightest of sad smiles.

"I'll keep that in mind." Jesse finally noticed her, "Oh hey Emma."

She walked over, putting a hand on his shoulder comfortingly, "Tough match?" He smiled wryly,

"Not for Adam." Emma grinned,

"Well how about you have a go against someone who isn't a certified genius? That is, if you think you're up for it?"

"Ah, now that's a challenge I can't refuse." He began to set up the board as Emma sat down across from him, "So how are you doing?"

She smiled at him, only too aware of the concern hidden behind his words, "I'm good. You?"

"Well lets see, I'm not being beaten up, phasing at random, or being enlisted to collect radioactive materials, so pretty good all things considered." He looked up, "White or black?"

She considered, "Black." It seemed only appropriate. At Jesse's curious look, she shrugged, "You deserve a chance."

He gave a low whistle and shaking his head grinned slightly, "You might regret that."

"We'll see." He was staring at her again, gesturing to the board she prompted, "Go ahead."

Frowning, he hesitated, then moved a pawn forward a couple of spaces. "So did you and Shal have fun yesterday? You were out pretty late" Sounded like a simple question, but Jesse never asked the simple questions. She nodded,

"We had a lot to talk about." she smiled softly, "she's a good friend." He was looking at her strangely, he really wasn't sure what to make of this. That was okay, neither did she really. She pushed a piece forward idly, "Jesse, can I ask you something?"

He raised his eyebrows and moved a knight, "Why do I get the feeling I'm not going to like where this is headed?"

She moved forward again, "Jesse, please…" He raised his hands surrendering,

"Go ahead, ask. Just…nothing on chess strategy, please." He grinned at her, that warm but heartbreaking expression that just served to intensify the pangs in her heart. She was going to hurt him so much, this was worse than anything that would happen to her. Even if he lived through this, and he had to live through this, she'd seen him go through loss. It was like someone had taken his world and left him in a vacuum. He let it effect him, he wanted to feel the loss, he never just threw it off. People were too important to him to ever be forgotten, So he carried them round as mental scars, always ready to re-open. It physically hurt to see him like that.

And this was what she'd leave him with, if she left them alive at all.

He'd made his move, he was waiting for hers.

She took out one of his pawns. Small victory, he'd easily return the favour, but it was a start. "Jesse, I want you to stop worrying about me." Well that wasn't the most subtle thing she'd ever said. Evidently Jesse agreed, he looked pretty taken aback and the hit she was getting off him confirmed he was now seriously confused.

"What do you mean?" His knight avenged the pawn she'd taken. Time to really start the game.

"I know you're worried about me, and I want, I need you to stop." She moved a castle out into play, half heartedly threatening his queen. He eyed the board, considering.

"Is there a reason I should worry?" He moved a bishop cautiously into her half of the board, trying to figure out how she was playing this. She ignored the intrusion for now, sending her own bishop in to take an errant knight.

"There are always reasons Jess. But I'm asking you to trust me, and to try and stop for awhile." A pretty poor entreaty, Jesse took her castle inattentively, ignoring, or not noticing the more significant threat her bishop was making. He met her gaze with a pretty intense look of his own. Sometimes she wondered if Jesse could be empathic, it certainly felt like he was reading her sometimes.

"Well maybe if you explained a little more what's been going on with you recently, I wouldn't have to worry?" He suggested, watching as she mounted a defensive. "You've avoided us all for the last couple of weeks, spent hours cooped up in the lab helping Adam, and when we try to talk to you you're evasive and can't get away fast enough." He moved his queen, "Check."

Moving behind a sacrificial pawn, her king was out of danger. She considered her reply carefully. "Maybe I just needed some alone time."

"And why would that be?" He took her other castle. He was pretty good at this, but she could still beat him. She brought her own queen out into play, capturing a unwary pawn. "Perhaps what I'm going through, I have to do on my own." He raised his eyebrows and moved to take out a knight threatening his queen. They continued in silence for a few minutes, both concentrating, but not on the game. The silence was charged, tense, she couldn't bear it. Time for it all to end.

She moved her king from behind the piece shielding him, not a smart move. He looked up startled, "you sure you want to do that?" She nodded.

"Sure why not." She hesitated, could she really do this?

"Jesse, I'm going to tell you something, it's going to sound weird, maybe you won't even believe me, but I want you to hear me out okay?" He nodded slowly, a curious knight walking into her territory.

"Sure Emma. What is it?"

She looked at the board, she was in trouble. Jesse had set up a pretty good offensive, she was nearly cornered, but not defeated just yet. She could get out of this. Turn the tide, hunt down the white pieces and capture his side. But could she make him face another defeat. Make him lose not once, but twice?

Metaphors were a pain when it came down to it.

"I'm going through something at the moment…I have some…issues to work out. I'm not going to lie to you, I don't know for sure if it'll all turn out alright." She met his eyes in a gaze clear for once of any powers, pysonic or otherwise. "All I can promise you is this, whatever happens, I…I love you guys, and I'll try to make sure you're all safe. I'll do my best for you."

"Emma…what are you say-"

"And," She interrupted, if she didn't say this now, she never would. "I'll be okay too. No matter how it might seem, I want you to know, to remember, I'm okay." She blinked back tears but refused to look away. Jesse was about as bewildered as a guy could get, but she sensed something else.

He trusted her.

He believed her when she said she cared about them, that she'd protect them. And he believed her when she said she'd be alright. He stared at her, the game forgotten, and reaching out, took her hand.

"Okay." He said simply. He squeezed her hand before releasing it. She smiled at him, some ghost she hadn't even known was in her was laid to rest now. "My move?"

He shook his head, "I think we've played enough, don't you?"

She nodded and began to clear the pieces away. Jesse stood up, looked at her for a long minute, then began to walk away, turning just before he left, "Emma?"

She looked up, smiling slightly, "Yes Jesse?"

"Maybe someday, we'll play it to the end okay?"

She nodded slowly, "Someday."

* * *

Thanks to all my reviewers! You guys are great . Keep it going! I'll try to get the next chapter up soon. Comments, criticisms are welcome, but constructive critics only please, flames are useless and don't help anyone improve. 


	5. Confessing

Time was growing short. Only four days now. Four days to wrap up her existence, to settle her affairs, to come to terms with it all. Four days.

Emma sat lotus-style on her bed, staring into the darkness. This is where it had begun a few weeks ago, when the count-down had started. But that wasn't really accurate was it? The count-down had begun the moment she was born, as it did for all living beings. Her clock was just ticking faster than others. And she was lucky enough to know when the alarm was going to start ringing.

Lucky, right.

They had just returned from their trip to the Artic. After her outburst the journey back had been subdued, tense. The others had been hurt, she knew that. And she was sorry in a way, they had never meant to show a lack of faith in her. They just hated to think the worst, despite how often it tended to happen. She just worried what might happen when she wasn't there to warn them, to watch out for them. Kind of ironic as they all spent so much time looking out for her it probably never occurred to them how protective she sometimes felt. They could fight and physically prevent anyone from getting near enough to lay a blow on her, but she was the only one who could spare their souls sometimes. They'd never know how so often she would brush against their minds, easing away whatever pain she thought they couldn't…shouldn't have to bear.

It was wrong, she knew that. Taking the burden for awhile only made it that much heavier when it came back, and it was slowly changing her too. She was getting colder, less tolerant. She found it so hard to sympathise with them, with their suffering when she saw so much of it, for so much of the time. Like trying to feel each individual raindrop when you were already soaked through.

It wasn't all bad. There were times when they were joking around, celebrating, just happy, she felt elated, euphoric even. But such moments of joy were elusive and too rare for her liking. The world was drenched in sorrow and she was like a magnet, drawing it all towards her.

Maybe it wasn't so terrible it would all end soon.

Adam hadn't given up. He was working constantly now, hardly sleeping. Dr Koby's discovery had distracted him certainly, but even on the trip over he'd been working, hiding whatever tests he'd been running when Jesse walked over of course. She'd hurt him most of all perhaps. Not simply her anger, but she'd certainly struck a nerve.

Something was going on with Adam. She'd known for months now. At first she'd denied it even to herself, she didn't want to believe he was hiding something from them, something important.

She knew he had secrets, they all knew that. And she'd tried to respect that, to keep up the barricades he'd put in place. But as her powers increased, it became harder and harder to stay out of his head. She lost the battle by inches, gradually getting more and more of an idea of who exactly her mentor had been, and who he was now.

"Oh Adam.." she sighed, "How did you get so lost?"

"Emma?" she started guiltily. The subject of her thoughts stood in the doorway, a puzzled frown on his face. Had he heard? "Adam." she replied, keeping her tone low and even, no he hadn't heard, she just…knew. Still…"Did you want something?"

He shook his head, turning on the light, "I was just going to bed, thought I heard you talking to someone."

She smiled slightly, "Nope. Just thinking aloud."

He nodded, "How are you feeling?"

"Are you sure you want an answer?" The answer she got was a pained smile. She considered, "I'm fine."

He looked a little taken aback, obviously she'd convinced him she was feeling otherwise. "Really? Only your behaviour earlier was a little out of character. I was worried."

She turned so she was facing him directly. Her anger was gone now, burned out, she couldn't even feel indignant at the implication what she had said was just her illness talking, some side effect of her genetic structure breaking down. But she needed him to understand, if only for his own sake.

"Adam, what I said earlier had nothing to do with this, you know that." she replied, keeping her tone level. "I don't deny dying has changed things for me, but not like that." She sighed, bring her hands to her head for a minute, shutting her eyes. Adam was there in a heartbeat, kneeling in front of her, "Emma?" the concern in his voice brought tears to her eyes, she blinked them away. For this, she had to be strong.

"I meant it earlier." She said softly, "I was angry, and it hurt that you wouldn't believe me, any of you." Adam shook his head slightly, saddened by her words. He wanted to speak, but she rushed on, "But it was more than that, I want to…I _need_ to know you all be okay without me looking out for you." She looked up finally, meeting his eyes, "And I need to know they'll be okay without you there."

If he was surprised by that, he didn't show it, he just moved to sit beside her, and silently put an arm round her. She didn't cry, it wasn't the time for that right now. But if a tear somehow escaped her notice, she knew it wouldn't matter. She'd said nothing she hadn't known for ages, but somehow saying it aloud made it so much more real, more painful. Adam was leaving them.

And her world got a little more hollow inside.

"How long have you known?" His voice was empty, only she could ever have sensed the turmoil of despair, grief, and resolution fighting inside him.

"A while now," she pulled away, facing him again. "What I don't understand is why? You know we'd protect you against anyone who came after you. We're a team Adam, that's what we do."

"And that is exactly why I can't stay." He was determined, "The people after me are far too powerful, and I won't risk your lives just to try and save mine." He paused, and when he spoke again his voice was gentle, "You know better than anyone that I can't stay."

She wiped a hand furiously across her eyes, she _did_ know. She also knew it was the hardest decision he'd ever made, that it cut him to the core to do this, so much so that if she carried on coaxing, persuading, and pleading, that he might even change his mind and stay. She could change his mind in an instant if she wanted by the mere force of her will.

But that would be wrong.

"I know." She said simply, accepting his decision, and telling him she understood. "When will you leave? Before…" he shook his head.

"No, I'll see you through this before I go."

"To the bitter end?" Adam smiled at her, standing,

"To the bitter end." He agreed, walking to the door. There was one other thing she had to do.

"Adam," he stopped, looking curiously at her. "I have to ask you something." He nodded, frowning "You know my powers have been getting stronger over the last few months. They don't seem to be effected by this…my condition. In fact, if anything, they're still increasing." She paused, last chance to change her mind.

"Unless we can find a way to prevent it, when I die you're all coming with me anyway. What I have to know is, would you rather forget?" She didn't let herself read him, carried on, "I've asked myself so many times now, would I rather know this was happening. Now the others I haven't given a choice. But I'm asking you." She paused, his expression was inscrutable, "If you'd rather not know what was coming, I can make you forget. And if itwill really hurt you, cause too much pain,you can even forget me." Her eyes were so full of tears she could barely hold them back. They were her friends, she owed them this and so much more. "If it'll cause you more pain, you can all forget me. It'll be like I never existed. And I'll find my own way to protect you when I die."

That was it, she'd said it. In a moment he'd ask her to do as she'd just promised. In a moment Emma Delauro would never have existed. It would take a lot of power to do it, but she could. And then she'd be alone. Alone until the end of her life.

"Never."

It took her a moment to register what he'd said. She just stared at him, "Adam?"

"I said never." He was shaking his head, not even thinking about her offer, "Emma, the fact I might not…probably won't be able to save you has been the hardest thing I've ever faced in my life, I won't deny it. I've always been the one with the answers. There wasn't a problem I couldn't solve, a question I couldn't work out.I suppose what I'm realising isI can't save everyone and that's a hard lesson to learn, especially when it means I'm losing someone. Losing you." His gaze was all sympathy and understanding and love. It hurt so much that he cared, but in a good way. "I've learned a lot from you Emma, we all have. And I'm not about to make that all vanish just because it might bring pain." She gave up trying to hold back the tears, letting them fall freely. Adam continued, his voice soft, were his eyes watering now?

"I'm sorry I can't save you Emma."

He'd finally said it,though words were like acid to him, they made him face it, but they brought acceptance and a kind of peace. She was glad for that. "But never will I,never will _we_forget you. You'll always be a part of this team, even if you can't be with us." He came back, and hugged her, an apology, a comfort and a farewell, "Thank you for the offer Emma. But we have a right to our memories, and to our grief as well." He stepped back, she met his gaze, and smiled. He walked to the door, and she let him go. Whatever happened now, she'd made her peace with him.

"Goodnight Emma." He left, she listened as his footsteps faded away before whispering into the shadows,

"Goodbye."

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Sorry it's been so long since I updated! It's been a little hectic here. Thanks and hugs to all the reviewers :) You guys are great. Only one or two chapters to go now, let me know what you think! 


	6. Understanding

Only a couple of chapters left to go now! This one begins at the end of 'Lest He Become', the season two cliffhanger,when the Naxcon complex is exploding about them. Thanks to all the wonderful reviewing people :) hugs Keep it up!

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The world was collapsing all about her, not just mentally this time. There was fire and smoke, water and ashes, debris raining like a meteorite storm from above her. There was screaming and yelling, gasps of pain, of fear, and her own name shouted again and again into the chaos.

"Emma!"

The universe certainly had a twisted sense of humour. She had what? Maybe four hours to go till her very own personal self destruct mechanism went off? And here she was, hanging off a broken bridge unlikely to last even another four minutes.

No one could say life wasn't ironic.

Adam was calling her, he had grabbed her hands, holding her onto the slab that had previously been the floor. She could hear the gasps and yells of the others, feel the uncontrollable terror running through them. Strangely enough, it didn't affect her like it usually would have. She felt detached, isolated from the destruction around her, she'd known she was going to die today, this way was just a little ahead of schedule.

But the others, her friends, they didn't know, they couldn't. Right up until this morning Adam had kept asking her to tell them. She was a hypocrite, only hours ago she'd forced Adam to bare his secrets to them all, whilst she kept one of the biggest ones of all from them.

It was wrong, she knew that. Adam had made his last attempt just before they came here. Jesse had been starting up the helix to go save Shal and Brennan whilst Adam collected everything and anything he thought might help from the lab.

"I'm sorry Adam." She'd said, watching him configure something. He had his back to her, but she didn't need to see his face to know how he was feeling. She'd hurt him, forced him to tell them things he'd hoped he'd never have to. And because of that, Shal and Brennan were in danger. She really was sorry.

"I know." He sounded weary, "they would probably have found out anyway eventually." He carried on working, hands darting frantically over the control board. She stepped shyly up to him, wanting not to read him for this at least , "So do you forgive me?" He stopped finally, looked at her,

"Always." shegave agenuine smile, he returned the expression, before typing in a final sequence. "You should tell them you know."

"I know."

"And?"

"And I'm not going to."

"Emma-"

"Just…trust me Adam." She interrupted, "It's going to be alright, I told you."

He shook his head, only partlyfrom frustration, " I haven't found a cure."

She smiled sadly, "I know." and there they'd left it. The last conversation they were ever going to have.

He truly had forgiven her, for everything. For forcing him to confess, for refusing to do so herself. For all the bad choices, mistakes, and blunders she'd made over her life. For not being the kind of person he'd thought she was. They'd all forgiven her. And in return, she forgave them for every pang of grief and agony she'd endured from and for them, all the secret sins they thought were hidden, and for their inability to trust her every word.

Something heavy struck the floor next to her, the tremors nearly forcing her hands off the slab. Only Adam's grip kept her hanging on. She forced back tears, they wouldn't help. Shal was crying, wild sobs of fear and desperation. She had a good hold but was risking herself to help her father. Jesse and Brennan were trying to help her but they were far from safe themselves. Unless help came soon, none of them were going to make it. Broken glass rained down on them in a shower from the shattering windows, above them a fiery hell, below a cold void of seething water. No way out.

And then it came to her, a way. To save her friends, and in a way herself.

Her powers were like a muscle, she could with a lot of concentration almost completely turn them 'off''. To increase the range and sensitivity of them, she just had to allow herself to relax a little, but she'd never allowed herself to fully open her mind. She'd always been too scared that she wouldn't be able to handle it, that it would drive her mad. But when death was only a few moments away anyway, what did it matter?

She pulled her hands away from Adam, ignoring his desperate protests, and shut her eyes.

There was no fire, no bridge, no explosions. There was no sound or pain or emotion. Just herself and the air she forced tight lungs to breathe in. In and out….in and out….

And she wasn't there anymore, she was at some point deep within her mind, and she could see it. Her power wasn't something physical, it was within every her every cell. Her breaking down genetic structure was compacting it, trapping it, and it was building up inside her like a mental bomb. She could _see_ it.

And just as easily, she could dissipate it, before it exploded. But so much power…it had to go somewhere…

She smiled unconsciously, it was all so very simple.

And there was nothing else left to do.

For a moment, she allowed herself to feel again, she visited the physical world one final time. The fear, the pain, and the love. The utter humanity of her friends. The cold stone beneath her hands, the smoky air winding around them, Adam's solid grip on her hand again. She looked up to him, to all of them…

And they were somewhere else, her mind, or theirs, or somewhere in between, she wasn't sure. It didn't matter. This was her gift to them, and to herself, this was their goodbye.

They were confused of course, Jesse, Shal, and Brennan, even Adam. They were so grounded in the physical even here they saw and felt and _were_ as they did in the real world. So to make it easier, she took the form they knew so well here too. She did this because she loved them and to leave them with no farewell would cast a blight upon her soul. It was selfish, but she knew any sin now would be instantly forgiven.

"Emma?" Shal was 'speaking' to her, hesitantly, her eyes darting about, relaxing slightly when she 'saw' the others. "What's going on? Weren't we?…aren't we?…" she was looking to the others for an explanation, but they were just as confused. Dear Shalimar, she was so grounded in the physical this would be more disorientating for her than anyone else. She'd always been surprised at how easily they'd become friends given that their powers seemed to be polar opposites. But she supposed they weren't so different, they both saw the world in a way others could never dream of.

Until now…

"It's okay Shal," she smiled reassuringly at her friends, "I brought you all here, just for a minute."

"Why?" this from Jesse, so stoic, it was hard to disorientate him. Even pulling him out of the physical dimension hadn't unsettled him unduly, probably because he spent more time out of it than most. "I mean, no offence Emma but don't we all need to be concentrating on getting out of this?"

"Yeah," this from Brennan who seemed a lot more overawed than Jesse, "What _is_ this place anyway?" He stared around, the 'room' looked something like the main hall in sanctuary, but the roof was gone, sunshine coating the floor which was a deep marble blue. The dojo stairs were white and gleaming, the dojo itself just a golden round platform. It was a peaceful place.

She shrugged, "Just somewhere we can talk for awhile, I have to tell you guys something." Adam was still silent, his gaze understanding and still sad. But for once, he didn't know everything. She walked off, up the dojo steps, and turning back, "Come on."

They followed her after a moment of startled looks between themselves. They'd follow her anywhere, even where she was going soon if she let them. They were her friends, her teachers, her students and her soul's closest companions. And they would miss each other so very much.

After they'd all sat down, Emma allowed herself a moment just to study them, memorise them, in this final meeting. Shalimar half sitting, half kneeling opposite her, her features a jumble of concern and affection. Next to her, Brennan crouched warily, disguising his unease as caution. She almost smiled, didn't he know he would never be able to hide anything from her? Jesse was watching her solemnly, to anyone else his expression would have been unreadable, but to her….to her it conveyed friendship, worry, support and so much more. And Adam…

He sat lotus-like, unconsciously mimicking her own style. His was the gaze of the long since bereaved. He'd made his peace. He was sad for her, yes, but he knew he'd done all he could, all anyone could do. For someone like Adam, that was almost as good as solving a problem.

Almost.

They were waiting for her to speak. Time to talk, time to share, time for many things to end. She shut her eyes, and when she opened them, she began to talk.

"It all began a long time ago…"


	7. Reacting

Okay, I have enough inspiration left for about one last chapter. Then time start a new and maybe more action-orientated story (not to mention I have a SG1 fic I really should finish). Thanks to all my reviewers you guys are fab. Keep them coming and I'll keep writing :)

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"And then I brought you here." She finished softly, waiting for their reactions.

Silence, and then…

"How could you?" The question asked with grief and anger, Shalimar had both in extremes, "I might have expected this from him," gesturing to Adam who winced, was it really only hours ago he'd confessed his own secrets? "But you're my best friend Emma." Shal was shaking, truly distraught now, "How could you hide something like this from us? Didn't you think we had a _right_ to know?" She radiated distress and pain and in this place of more energy than matter, it was almost more than Emma could bear. Brennan had put a hand on her friend's shoulder as if to still her agitation, but he was stricken too, and more hurt than he'd ever admit to showing. Emma half-shrugged helplessly, "Of course you did Shal, but I wasn't sure it was the right thing to do."

"The right thing?" this from Jesse, his pain was a physical thing here, knife-like in its intensity, "You're dying and we're going to be killed in some kind of mental explosion and you wondered if telling us was the _right thing_?" He shook his head incredulously, "Well you picked a perfect time to come clean Emma."

"And why didn't you tell us?" This from Brennan now, directed at the sombre Adam, "You knew what was happening, what gives you the right to decide to withhold information _again_. What is it with you Adam? Is this all just a game to you or something?" Adam shook his head heatedly,

"It wasn't my decision."

"Like hell it wasn't!"  
"Stop this!" she heard herself cry out. "Stop this right now." They were so shocked at her tone they actually did, turning to look at her. "I didn't bring you all here to fight with each other."

"So why did you bring us here Emma?" Shal asked, her voice soft and sad.

"Yeah, I'd like to know too." This from Jesse. "I mean, if we're all going to die anyway, what's the point of this little confession? Just needed to ease your conscience?"

"No!" How could they misunderstand like this? "You aren't going to die, I can save you!" Adam looked up sharply, he hadn't expected that.

"In that case why don't you just do it already?" Brennan demanded.

"Because she still can't save herself." Everyone turned to stare at Adam, he continued, as infuriatingly calm as ever. "Right Emma?" She nodded slowly, meeting his gaze, not daring to look to the others just yet.

"Oh…Emma." Shal whispered, and when she finally looked, she saw her friends eyes shining with tears. Shal moved forward to hug her, and Emma didn't resist.

"There must be something you can do?" Jesse was asking, almost pleading with Adam. She could almost hear Adam shaking his head. "Emma's structure is breaking down at the genetic level, her cells just can't keep up with the rapid mutations anymore."

"So _fix_ it. God Adam, you can't just let her…" Brennan's voice trailed off and he fell silent.

"Let her die? Brennan, I'm not _letting_ anything happen. What's happening to Emma is the natural result of the increasingly rapid mutation of her genes. People just weren't meant to alter the natural structure on such a deep level…" Adam's voice faltered, even now, he found it hard to admit his mistakes. That was okay, they all did.

"So we're what? A bunch of experiments gone wrong? Thanks Adam, got the memo already." Brennan was continuing harshly, Emma pulled gently away from Shalimar.

"Brennan, that's enough." He stopped, glaring at her. But his anger wasn't really at her, not even at Adam. It was at the whole world, the universe and whatever law decreed he'd lose a friend today. She'd feel exactly the same in his position. "You wanted to know why I brought you here?" they all froze, not even moving to nod. They all knew the answer already, but she said it anyway.

"I brought you here to say goodbye."

The silence was oppressive, they weren't sure what to say to that. It was hard for them to believe, even Adam, that this really was goodbye this time. So she didn't wait for them to respond, to argue, to try and force hope on her. She'd make it easy for them.

"So this is where I end. One way or another, it's over for me today. But, you guys so long left to live and to love life. And I don't want your lives tainted by what happens to me." She swallowed, forced back a wave of some indeterminable emotion, and let them in on another of her more controversial decisions. "So when you leave here, you'll remember none of this. You'll be back at Naxcon, and I can't help you there. If-_when_ you save yourselves and escape, you won't recall this place, our conversation, or any of this. And," she pressed on, refusing to let them interrupt her, argue with her, "and this is it. It's my decision, and it's unfair, and it's selfish, and…and it's what I want." She told them simply, her gaze searching the eyes, the souls of her dearest friends. "I needed this, and whether you remember it or not, I hope somehow, deep down inside, you'll know we had this. That as petty and cruel as this world can be, it let us have this chance to say goodbye." Spent, she stopped, waited.

A silence as long as any she'd known stretched out, not that time really mattered here, finally Brennan spoke up,

"And you won't change your mind?" There was a note of resignation she'd never heard from him before, his voice was so tired, so sick of everything. She nodded, offered him a shaky smile, "It's the right thing to do, I'm sure of it."

"Well you've never steered us wrong before." From Shal now, her expression determined, her voice overly bright, "If that's what you want, we'll do it." Jesse nodded, Adam followed slowly. "But we're going to miss you so much…" Her friend's voice broke down, tears running down her face. Emma reached forward and pulled her into a hug, burying her face in Shal's hair and crying herself. All the talking, all her thinking, her careful decisions didn't make this any better. The enormous power inside her couldn't take away the pain of this final parting. She held onto her friend as though mere physical pressure could save her . But even Shalimar's fierce love and devotion couldn't hold her here now. Drawing back at last, she hesitated to let Shal go, to say goodbye to the best friend she'd ever had. But Shalimar herself pulled away, leaving a hand on her shoulder, tears still falling from sparkling eyes. At Emma's attempt to vocalise something of what she was feeling, Shal shook her head, "Don't say a word." She said simply, squeezing her shoulder and brushing a hand against her face before stepping back to her teammates. Emma watched Brennan put a arm round her, as Shal turned to him for comfort. She almost broke down again, after this, they wouldn't be her team anymore, she could never be there for them again, she could never take the sharp edge off when the pain became too much. They'd have to cope with it all on their own.

That wasn't quite true, they had each other. And as for herself, she had her memories, their friendship, and all the love in the world to travel on. What more could anyone want?

Jesse was in front of her now, she hadn't seen him approach, he was confused, hurt. His eyes searched hers, wanting an explanation maybe, or he just wanted her to tell him this was all a joke, that she wasn't putting him through the worst experience of his life. He shook his head ever so slightly, reaching out to touch her face, "You're really going aren't you?" It wasn't really a question. So she just looked at him, more tears filling up her already brimming eyes, "Oh God, Emma…" He slowly drew her into his arms, holding her close. His grief was gentler than Shalimar's, but no less painful. It was so tempting to just reach into his mind and soothe the sharper edges away. But it would only hurt him more when it returned, and she wasn't there to help. So she just hugged him tightly, as though it could convey just how much she loved him, and then she withdrew, smiling at him, letting him preserve this last impression of her in his memory, for what little good it might do. Maybe his subconscious would remember what his conscious mind would forget. As he released her, his eyes still searching hers, he asked hesitantly, but ever so hopefully, "See you around?" She closed her eye, it would be so easy to lie to him. At this stage, did the truth really matter? She leaned forward and impulsively kissed him on the cheek, she shook her head ever so slightly, "I don't think so Jesse."

He nodded, sadness, compassion, and love all blurred in his features, and he smiled through the grief that she felt surging through him. If anything could have changed her mind, that heart-rending smile would have.

But it was too late for that now.

So she smiled bravely back and let him step away. He joined Shalimar who had pulled away from Brennan and instead put an arm around Jesse. Brennan hesitated, glanced at them, then at the sombre Adam, before finally coming towards her. She wasn't even trying to prevent the tears spilling now, though she smiled through them at her friend. He paused, indecisive, then running a hand through her hair, "Emma…" he faltered, then giving up, pulled her close. One hand stroked her hair, and he whispered softly "we'd have stayed till the end you know."

She hugged him tighter "I know."

And then they drew apart, he was the first member of mutant X she'd met, the first she'd reached out to, even if he wasn't in mutant X back then. His mind was the first she'd connected to and for that, he'd always be special to her. But now he dropped his hand from her, and said seriously, "You gonna be okay?"

She nodded, "I'll be fine, and Brennan," he looked at her, "Thanks."

"What for?"

"Just…everything."

He stared hard at her, then nodded in a puzzled fashion. "Anytime."

He joined Jesse and Shal and the three clung to each other like survivors of some disaster, forcing away tears and watching her anxiously as though she'd vanish if they looked away.

And now came the hardest goodbye of all.

She walked slowly over to where Adam stood, where he had been watching their goodbyes. She smiled a little, feeling shy for some obscure reason. "Emma…" he began uncertainly, before she hugged him as hard as she could. He held her tightly, like the others, afraid if he didn't she'd just vanish. She didn't mind, she was afraid if they didn't remind her to hold on for awhile, she'd lose them.

"You aren't going to tell them?" she whispered, forcing back tears. She knew the answer already.

"No. They're going through enough right now." he replied softly. "Knowing wouldn't change anything, and I don't feel like another debate over my decisions today." He drew back, hands on her shoulders and the hint of a twinkle in his eye, "Assuming I have a choice in this one?"

"Adam, you know I only did that because-"

"It's alright Emma." His expression understanding, "You did the right thing. I should have told you all so long ago, but I was concerned…"

"That we wouldn't understand." she finished for him. "It's okay, I'm not sure in your position I wouldn't have done the same." she sighed, bit her lip, "Will you ever go back?"

He looked at her steadily for a minute, then smiled. "If I'm lucky."

She smiled back though tears continued to trickle down her face. She stepped back at last, and he dropped his hands from her shoulders. "Time to go?"

He shook his head slightly, his face unreadable, but his heart was saddened beyond expressing. "Only if you're ready."

Emma thought for a second, then met his eyes with a smile. "I am." And she felt at last, she truly was.

He offered her his arm, and taking it they walked back to their friends.


	8. Parting

They walked back to the others. This place was becoming more and more _there_. It was less of a mindscape now, more a physical structure. If she didn't send them back soon, they would be rooted here, unable to leave. She couldn't allow that, even as she longed desperately for a little more time with her friends.

"It's time for you all to go." She told them gently. "I can't keep you here any longer, it's too dangerous. If you're here when I….go, you'll die."

"What if we want to stay?" this from Shalimar, she was still searching desperately for options. "You don't seem to be too worried about this. Can't we just stay with you…" Her voice trailed off, there was no real hope in it. Emma shook her head, smiling even through the tears still in her eyes. "It's not your time Shal." she explained, a wave of fierce love almost overcoming her. "I know you'd stay, all of you, if I let you." She slowly met the eyes of each of her dear _dear_ friends, and their love and loyalty was never more evident. "But I could never leave the world peacefully knowing I was taking you with me, when it isn't your time yet. You aren't ready to die Shal, though I know you all would just to make it easier for me. And that means more than I'll ever be able to tell you." With a thought, the main entrance to the 'hall' started glowing softly, "There's the way out. When you step through there you'll be back at Naxcon, you'll remember nothing, and things will play out as they should."

"Except that you'll be dead." Jesse retorted, "How can you just expect us to leave you here to die alone. We should at least be here for you, how can you deny us that?"

"Because unlike probably any other living being on this earth, I know what is going to happen to me." She replied, her voice rising in pitch, she was worried. She forced her voice to a calmer level. "I know where I'm going Jess, and it doesn't scare me."

"So you're what, a prophet now?" Brennan asked cynically.

"No, I've just had time to check out the view." She answered. A idea formed in her mind, risky, butperhaps it would finally satisfy them. "And I can show you, if you want. I can't promise it'll be safe, or even that I'll defiantly be able to bring us all back, but if that's what it'll take for you all to leave atpeace with yourselves…"

"Do it." Adam said immediately, the others nodded in agreement. She smiled, the expression drawing their eyes to her, drawing them into her. "Alright."

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They spent less than a millionth of a second there, but the effort it took to pull back, it could have been forever. When they returned, her friends were silent, overawed. 

"God….Emma…" Brennan began, then stopped, just staring wide eyed at her. Adam and Jesse looked stunned, Shal was more animated,

"How can you bear to be here, when that's there waiting for you?" she asked, half to herself. "And we'd have made you stay if we could…how could we be so selfish?"

"We didn't know." Jesse said, obviously still in shock.

"We should have! Emma wouldn't-"

"Now do you understand?" Emma interrupted, more wearied by the experience than she wanted to admit. It was so close now, she'd felt it. To pull away from what was waiting for her…it took every bit of strength she had. She was so tired.

"We understand." Adam assured her, "in fact I'm amazed you've hung on this long…" he trailed off, looking unsure of himself, very out of character. She glanced at him, "Adam?"

"I just don't know…how can anyone's mind take that? We were there such a short time, and I know we weren't immersed completely…How can anyone, even you, take it all?"

"I can't." She answered, watching comprehension dawn, "No one can. But I can't think of a better way to go." She waited for the protests, the arguing, the pleading to start again.

But it didn't.

"Me neither." Shal smiled at her, eyes shining with tears, moreofjoythangrief now she hoped. "At least this way…you'll be happy won't you?" It wasn't really a question. She smiled back,

"All my life I've wondered about spirits and ghosts, about the supernatural. When I found out I was one of the supernatural," a soft chuckle from Adam, "I always wanted to know what happened next. I always wanted new experiences, the problem is when you can see almost anything you wanted through other peoples eyes, they're hard to find. But this…this is something no one's ever done before. Even when Ray Larkin took me through his death, it was nothing like this. This _is_ my heaven, and this is where I can find peace with myself, my powers, and….everything. And this way, I won't ever really die." She raised a hand, gestured to the still glowing doorway, "And now, it's time for you to rejoin the world."

They didn't argue with her, slowly walking away. Shal went first, turning at the last second, "We'd have stayed with you."

Emma smiled, "I know." and with the kind of grin only a feral could give, and all the love in the world, her best friend was gone.

* * *

Now Shal had returned, the others were less reluctant. Brennan was next, his farewell a half wave and nod, no less precious to her for its brevity. She winked mischievously at him, "Take care of Shal for me." 

He raised his eyebrows, grinned in that adorable way he had, replied "You bet", and stepped through to the real world.

* * *

She'd half expected Jesse to be next, he always seemed to follow Brennan. Not in a hanging on way, Jesse just seemed to trust his friend's decisions implicitly. And if he didn't, he was always sure to let Brennan know. But instead Adam walked forward, stopping to stare for a minute at the doorway. He looked back at her, smiled in that manner unreadable even to her. 

"Thank you Emma."

"For what?"

He smiled again, "For showing me a world beyond science and technology. And…" he paused, and his expression was almost glad, "for letting me know what's really important."

She nodded, meeting his gaze with clear eyes, "Good luck Adam."

He smiled, "You too." then he slowly turned, and hesitating for a fraction of a second before walking through,

Then there were two.

* * *

Jesse had been watching the others leave, apparently still in shock. His eyes switched to her now, and he shook his head in wonder. 

"All this time and you never said anything."

"I couldn't." She paused, hopefully, "You understand?"

He nodded slowly, "I think I do." and hesitatingly held out a hand, "Take care Emma."

She almost laughed, "Too manly to hug me now?"

He smiled, "I don't think so." and he pulled her into his arms.

For a few minutes they just stood there, holding each other tightly. Then reluctantly Emma pulled away.

"You have to go."

He looked confused, "Emma?"

"It's starting, if you don't go now you'll never get out." and as his face began to set into a stubborn resolve, "You can't stay Jesse."

"Why not? Someone should be here-"

"Because they need you." her concentration was shaking, the mental construct was starting to collapse. "Your life isn't yours to sacrifice anymore Jesse, it's theirs."

"And yours isn't?"

"Mine is meant to end here. My whole existence has been leading up to this. Can't you see?" seeing him start to waver, she repeated more gently, "They need you Jesse. I don't, not anymore." She pushed him towards the exit she wasn't even sure she could hold much longer. "Now if you love me like I love you, love all of you, fulfil my last wish, and get _out_ of here._" _He stood staring at her,

"There's so much I need to tell you."

She shook her head slightly, tapped her right temple knowingly, "Trust me, you never needed to tell me anything Jesse." He smiled, that wrenching, ironic half-grin, "I'll miss you Emma."

She smiled back, "I'll miss you too." and he was gone. The place collapsing about her,

"Goodbye."

* * *

Okay, I have one final chapter to write. Or two short chapters...which would you prefer? Read and review as always and I'll finally finish this fic :) 


	9. Resting

Okay, I bowed to majority vote and made this one chapter rather than two. We've finally come to the end! sighs and holds 'aww' sign up. I know, I'm sad too. But I plan to start a new and more action-orientated fic very soon :) I also should really finish that stargate one I started...

Read and review as always! Also if anyone has any MX plot bunnies they fancy suggesting...

* * *

Emma watched the devastating chaos about her with a detached interest. With a thought it was gone, she stood on the edge of the mountain over Sanctuary, or rather her mind's representation of it. A strong breeze blew through her hair and the sun shone brightly on her skin. She knew it was all an illusion, but it didn't matter. Nothing did anymore.

Her friends would be okay, it would take time, but they'd get through this. Their enemies were strong, but they were stronger. She had faith in them.

So there was nothing left to do. She'd made her farewells, and she'd left the world in as well a way as she could. She couldn't help or hurt anyone now, and even if she could have, she wouldn't. It wasn't her place now, and she was so very tired.

It was finally time to move on.

So upon the horizon of her mind, she began to perform the exercises Shalimar had taught her so long ago. They honed her concentration, which was as important now as her power was. She wove a pattern undecipherable to anyone else, but instinctive to her. As she moved, all her thoughts, her energies, her very soul turned inwards to one singular purpose.

The universe is a powerful place, filled with the consciousness of those living within it. More than that, it was permeated by the light from billions of stars, time flooding in and out like water from strange singularities, creatures both vast and minute both alike and utterly alien from anything on earth. In short, it was a place filled with life and energy. The universe had a soul.

And everything was part of it.

So that was what she focused on now. As her life reached its end, she reached out for the eternal life that was creation. Releasing the energy building up dangerously inside her was effortless, and she directed it to push away the barriers that had naturally set up in her mind. The same barriers that isolated her and every other being from the cosmos. She was Atlas from the stories her mother used to tell her, carrying the world on her shoulders. She was Moses holding back the red sea. But now she let go.

And with nothing to hold it away, the universe came flooding in.

It came first like a surge of electricity, she lost awareness altogether. Then she was floating in a lake of silver, staring down into glittering depths.

Then, whether slowly or instantly she never knew, it hit her.

She was…_everywhere_. More than that, she was in everything and everyone. She was Jesse and Shalimar, Adam and Brennan. She was an old man starving on the streets, a child newly born. She was mother, father, brother, sister, friend, lover, and stranger to the world. She was a panther hiding amongst the grasses, a swallow soaring through misty skies. She was creatures so small they couldn't be seen, and things hidden so deep they never would be. She was a being totally alien to the world she'd grown up to, and a million things she could never name.

She knew a star billions of miles from earth was burning out, ending it's existence in a terrific supernova that declared its demise even as it celebrated its brilliance. She could see a planet with the very beginnings of life, tiny organisms that would one day evolve to something like the human species, and even beyond it. She could _feel_ a black hole centuries old, that was pulling matter and energy from the universe and delivering it elsewhere in a different form. She lived through the beginnings of her world, from the first formations of matter to when her sun erupted into a blazing sphere, its splendour swallowing her planet whole.

She was everything, and everywhere, and always. She had been ancient for all time and was eternally young. She was pain and joy, fear and hope, light and life. There was no death, no destruction, only the beginnings of new creation. For an instant that could have been forever, she existed in the euphoria that is eternity. And it was so _so_ sweet.

And then with a blissful sigh, everything that was Emma Delauro shattered, leaving fragments in all life everywhere, like shimmering sand upon the wind.

* * *

They stood silently, no one could think of anything to say that wouldn't seem insignificant or empty. They'd lost two dear friends today, and no words could take that pain away.

Shalimar turned away from the memorial plaque for a moment, the words on it kept forcing her eyes to mist with tears. This quiet time with her friends finally brought it home to her, she'd never see them again. Emma and Adam, they really were gone. Her best friend and a man who'd been as good as a father to her. It had all been so sudden, so wrenching, it had been impossible to really process it at first. Even at Emma's funeral (Adam, being so off-the-charts hadn't had one.) she'd felt like she was acting. The funeral had been her parents show. They'd apparently gone religious since they last saw Emma. It had been a strictly formal ceremony, a few speeches about the short life of man, forgiveness, some prayers for her safe delivery to heaven. Very impersonal, Emma would have hated it. But it seemed to give her parents the satisfaction that they'd done their duty by her, that the stiff priest they'd hired somehow guaranteed both their daughter's eternal happiness, and their own ability to rest easy at night.

She wanted to hate them for that. But she knew, that despite their absence in Emma's life, and flippant attitude towards her when they _were _there, they had loved their daughter in a careless fashion. They'd just never been able to understand her. Emma had forgiven them for that, so how could she do otherwise?

She remembered a while before, was it really only a week ago? Emma asked her to come up here. They'd stayed for hours, enjoying the sunshine, talking. Emma had seemed preoccupied, she'd wondered why. Then Emma had opened up, more so than she ever had before. Not that she'd ever kept secrets exactly, but she'd always been quite reserved, even with Shalimar. That day she'd talked for hours, about almost everything she could imagine. Emma had ever spoken, albeit tentatively about Tyler. Shal had tried to make her talk about him before but when she'd seen how much it hurt her friend, she backed off. Emma had been so open that day…had she known, had a feeling perhaps of what would happen? After what she'd seen over her life, nothing was impossible. Tyler had been precognitive, whose to say Emma didn't have a touch of that gift towards the end of her life? She'd certainly been powerful. Or maybe it was just an instinct given to the soon-to-die, if you believed in that kind of thing. She couldn't believe in God herself, she'd seen too much of man and science, but she would like to. If it gave her the comfort of believing her friend, both of them, were in a better place, that she'd known somehow…

She walked over to the plaque, gently placing Emma's comlink ring next to it. It signified her bond with Mutant X, and so it was appropriate it remain there, away from the general chaos of life, but still close to them. She stepped back, and sank into memories, now so bittersweet, of her dearest friend.

Brennan stared at the plaque, as if the words on it would change if he willed it hard enough. It was always about effort with him, he knew this. He figured it was part of being an elemental, if you could pack enough power you could change most things, and there were few people on earth with more pure power than he had.

But this…nothing could change this. Even Gabriel Ashlocke was beaten by it. Death couldn't be beaten back or struck down, it took everyone with no regard for their strength or will. Adam was the most stubborn man he'd ever met, and Emma…

When he first met her, running scared from a couple of thugs, he'd put her more in the damsel in distress category. It took mentally beating up a couple of GSA agents to make him realise she could hold her own. Even then, he'd still been liable to defend her till she proved she could beat _him _up whenever she chose. In the last year her powers had increased still further, to what extent he wasn't sure even Adam knew-had known. And now all that power, that energy, _Emma_ was gone, destroyed by falling stone and cold water. They hadn't asked how she died.

He regretted how they'd parted. What with emerging from the whacko stasis Shal's Dad had put them in and then having to run for their lives he'd hardly had a chance to speak to her, let alone have some kind of a reconciliation for running out on her and Jess, even if he would have done so given the chance. Emma hadn't blamed him for confronting Adam, he knew that. He just wished Emma hadn't died before-

Scratch that, he just wished Emma hadn't died.

Then there was Adam, the king of contradictions, and Brennan wasn't even sure how he felt about his death. Part of him was still angry, he wanted to not care Adam was dead, to say that's what he deserved for being so arrogant. For playing God with the lives of so many. But then, a more rational, perhaps more decent part of him would forgive him all that in an instant to have the guy back with them right now. This part of him acknowledged Adam had risked all his vital _research_, his life, and more shockingly, the very future of humanity to rescue them that faithful night. He still held that on his conscience, if he hadn't been so rash and run off with Shal to Naxcon, would Emma and Adam still be with them? A question that would haunt him probably for the rest of his days.

And what really freaked him out, with Adam gone, the leadership spot he'd always slightly resented Adam for holding fell to him. Jesse was too soft to be in charge, and Shal though capable had made it clear she wasn't interested in such a 'testosterone-fuelled battle'. For all he'd sometimes treated Adam like a rival Alpha Male, he'd gotten kinda comfortable in the 'led' rather than 'leading' position. From now on, whatever happened to Shal or Jesse, or even this Lexa chick would fall on him. For a minute he silently apologised to Adam for every surly response, every angry argument, and all the other hundreds of times he'd been a serious pain to the guy. But Adam wasn't there anymore, he was. So it was his duty, his penance, and his tribute to Adam to led Mutant X as best as he could. The team had been the result of Adam's life's work, it was the very least he could do for his memory.

He looked away from the metallic tablet in the rock, and stared out towards the sunset. Adam and Emma were gone, but they'd never be forgotten, He, Jess and Shal, heck, maybe even Lexa would keep their memories alive as long as they lived themselves. It would give Mutant X meaning again.

And maybe, just maybe, that would be enough.

Jesse knew he wasn't in a nightmare now, the battle, the death of Eckhart had finally put his ghosts to rest, quite literally. The shock had wore off, and grief was satisfyingly painful in its intensity to assure him of reality. They were gone. Adam and Emma were…

Okay, so maybe he couldn't quite say the word yet. But that fate should take two of his friends in one day, after years of fighting and surviving through even worse odds seemed too cruel. On top of that, to have some new girl walking in as though she owned the place and the false hope over Adam…it was too much.

But he was still breathing, so he'd have to just keep going. Surely at some point in the future he'd remember what it was that made it worth living through this.

Shalimar moved forward suddenly to put Emma's-what had been Emma's comlink next to the memorial plate they'd made. It was a simple plate, made to blend in with the rocks, just their names carved into it

Emma Delauro

Adam Kane

They'd all silently agreed not to add anything else. Any other words would seem cheap and empty. They couldn't fit all their grief and loss onto the whole mountain if they spent the rest of their lives trying. Adam and Emma would have understood. Their loving memories were better than fancy words, and would be far more true to purpose.

It seemed so strange they were really gone this time. After all the battles and dangers they'd faced, a mere explosion shouldn't have killed them. But then again, they were still just human beings. Aside from genetic enhancements and a brain the size of Jupiter that is. Maybe it was a reminder, a sign they could all die just as easily. The way he was feeling right now, it might be a relief.

Brennan, next to him, turned suddenly, facing away from the mountainside. There was the reason he couldn't of course. He might have lost Emma and Adam, two of his best friends, but he still had Brennan and Shalimar. They needed him, as much as he needed them. And that was what would get them through.

'We'll be alright.' he thought to whatever protective spirits might be hovering nearby. 'It hurts, but we will be alright'.

And with a renewed sense of friendship, which the painful loss only made more tender, he turned to what remained of his team, they could build a new future, after they finished saying a poignant farewell to their past.

'You guys, were the best.' he thought to his lost team-mates, and let them go.

So they stood for a long time in respectful silence, each to their own thoughts. Finally by silent consent they turned to go back. There was a future to plan, and a new team-mate to figure out. As the others made their way to the hidden entrance, Shalimar paused, looking out to the setting sun.

"Thank you Adam." She said, her voice soft and affectionate in the evening air, "and bless you Emma, wherever you are."

Then she rejoined her team-mates, and they returned together as the sun left the sky.

The End


End file.
